Recent
About
Login
Apr 15, 2026
Waiting for May
Waiting for May
00:00
03:02
Transcript
0:00
Last week, my therapist asked me, what is the relationship you have with your body in this moment? I told her I'm grateful, deeply, genuinely grateful, even though it's been hard,
0:12
even though there are days that are actually painful. I thought about the days I used to cry on my treadmill from pure joy. How after a really good session, I'd hug myself and say, [sighs] "Thank you, body.
0:25
You got me through that. You helped me feel that." I'm doing the same thing now, even when the achievement is smaller. You walked, even if with a limp, you made it, you showed up, and that's enough.
0:38
I was proud of myself for getting to that place, for finding that kind of softness after so much frustration.
0:45
And then [sighs] the tears started to come because underneath all of the gratitude and grace I've been practicing, I'm still so scared. I'm afraid of life. I don't want to exist that way.
0:59
I don't want to make fear-based decisions, but they are present. They are so present. I'm scared that twenty twenty-six is going to look like last year.
1:09
I'm afraid to make plans, afraid to live my life too fully because somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm always scanning for May. Last year, it was May when everything changed.
1:20
My tumor diagnosis, then layoff, then rehire, then reorg, then surgery.
1:27
Just one thing crashing into the next until I stopped trusting the good stretches, until I started holding on to the optimism so tight it stopped feeling real.
1:37
This year, I entered cautiously hopeful, and then at some point I decided, "No, this is going to be my year."
1:45
But I've been chasing that feeling almost performatively, staying upbeat, holding a smile in place, because if I let myself fully believe it and then May comes again, I don't know what I'll do.
1:57
My therapist held that with me because it's not just my life. My parents still need me. My family still looks to me. And if I'm not okay, if I can't hold it together, I can't keep showing up for the people I love.
2:10
That's a weight that's hard to put down. The way I'm navigating it, as imperfect as it is, is to try to do both. Feel the fear and stay present. When my brain goes to, "What if something bad happens?" I let that be real.
2:26
I don't talk myself out of it, and then I come back to what's true right now. Right now, I'm employed. Right now, I have what I need. Not in a don't-worry-about-it way, but in a yes, and.
2:39
Yes, it's scary, and right now, today, you're okay. It doesn't always work. Some days the fear is louder than the present, but maybe naming it is the first step to not being run by it.
2:54
Recuerda, fear and hope aren't opposites. You can be terrified and still choose to show up. That's not performing. That's the real thing.
Perfectamente in Progress
Listen on
Apple Podcasts
Apple Podcasts
Spotify
Spotify
Recent episodes
🫶🏼 Vanessa called me out and she wasn't wrong
Apr 9, 2026
