Honesty that sparks connection.
Right now I'm navigating two “invisible” things, and they both really suck.
One is my brain tumor (been dealing with this for about a year now but the symptoms have gotten worse), which heavily impacts my hormones and makes my body feel like it isn't quite my own.
The other is my post hip surgery recovery, including losing sensation on a big part of my left thigh. And because of it, several times a day I get nerve pain. Little electric shocks that run all up and down my thigh. Sometimes they're tiny and manageable. Sometimes I jump. Sometimes I shriek. And because I can't feel my thigh, my knee takes on all this extra pain trying to compensate whenever I walk. So, now I also have a limp 🙃 (really the only visible struggle).
This week was my first week in the office, a big week for sure, but one I have been truly dreading. Not because of everything I mentioned above, but because I was about to be constantly reminded of my limitations. I felt this extra on my walk home from the train.
It's usually about a fifteen-minute walk, but this time it took twenty. Not that much longer, verdad? But I was on the verge of tears! My limp was getting worse with every block, my thigh somehow felt extra numb, and I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my dogs. I wanted to rest.
Usually, I love that walk. This time, it felt like a battle, but there was nothing I could do except keep going. So I did.
Somewhere in the back of my head, I know this might become my new normal. And maybe that’s what this season is about - adjusting to something new and challenging that is my new permanent state. But, for now I’m going to keep up my optimism and hope that it truly is just a season in getting back to a healthier and more active baseline.
I don't think you have to be navigating a bunch of medical stuff to feel this. Life has seasons. Some of them are really fucking hard, but they don’t last forever. So it’s up to you to figure out how to take control and get through it on your own terms.
What does "getting through it" actually look like for me right now? It means staying on top of my physical therapy. Taking my medication even when it's the last thing I want to do. Following up with my doctors. Prioritizing that part of my life (again!), even when it feels like a lot.
Recuerda: It's a season. Figure out what getting through it looks like for you. Not what it looks like for your family, your friends, or anyone watching. Do that with gentleness. And trust that you won't always feel this heavy.